How To Handle Family Asking For Money

I have been reflecting on a conversation we had at the first Sri Lankan retreat in April 2019:

1. Just because people are your people, it doesn’t mean you are their person

This applies to everyone. Including family.

People will often show us if we’re truly their person in their actions towards us and in the way they talk to us and treat us.

Not all of us are our people's person so we use money and over give in every way as a way to make them our people.

We know we don’t have their loyalty or their devotion.

They may love us but they don’t like us.

But we are loyal to them and we like them because they’re our people so we do the most (financially and otherwise) to make them feel the same way we do and fool ourselves into believing we are their person.

That if we just do XYZ and they see how awesome we are they’ll accept us as their person.

And then we get angry when they keep showing us we’re not their person.

2. It's possible for people to think they are your people and for you to not be their person and to know it

We also need to have frank and honest conversations with these people and let them know or else mend our ways so we’re better people to those people in our lives.

We can set them free to go find their real tribe where they don’t have to do the most to be liked or loved. They can just be and know they are enough

This isn’t just about romantic relationships; its also about friendships and family relationships.

Even within families there are people who are more liked and respected than others.

There are those whose opinion is more valued and then there are those who are just tolerated for different reasons.

Then there are those who are resented because they dared to expand and be different from the tribe. So they are now the outsider.

And sometimes those who are tolerated and silently judged are subconsciously buying their way into the inner circle and making themselves the tribe's person.

They usually use money to do this.

Sometimes money does make them part of the circle and other times it backfires because the only way to be in the tribe is with money.

In this case - your money is what's accepted. Not you.

You’re kept around because you’re seen as the cash cow.

3. This is not a post about giving money and not getting anything in return

When we give and truly give, then we give with no expectations.

If we give money and someone refuses to give us money back the day we need it, that’s okay because giving is not about that.

This is not about the money, it is about how we are treated by those we give.

And also why we give when we really have no desire to give.

If the gifting is not appreciated or we’re resented for giving or even ridiculed for giving and/or we feel utterly alone after we give and feel like our only role is to give, then we may need to examine our relationships.

If we feel like the only way to get love and acceptance is to give and we have no one in our corner emotionally or even as a shoulder to cry on when life happens, then we need to start examining our reasons for giving.

Because we may not have a real tribe.

And giving may actually be causing bitterness and resentment and be hardening us.

And in that case maybe we need to start taking all those gifts and start turning them inward and gifting to ourselves.

4. We need to stop assuming our families have similar money values to us

The truth is when we give with the notion that others will give back to us some day and we don't tell these people we’re giving to, that that's the plan, then we’re actually not giving; we’re using people as a rainy day plan for the day we need something.

As givers we also need to be clear with those we are giving to about why we are giving to them.

So if the gift has a requirement, they have a say in whether or not they accept it.

Click play on the video below to learn more about the topic

How do you feel about family asking for money?

How do you handle requests for money?

Share in the comments section below.