Let's talk about love, money, urgency culture and trauma

!!Spoiler alert for "The Tinder Swindler" - I finally fell for social pressure and watched the documentary and I am doing a whole analysis and am tying it to money trauma, nervous system and urgency culture.

If you plan to watch the show go watch and come back later to this post cos I am going to share stuff as I decompress my utter sadness from this show and I am gonna go a bit in depth on money and trauma so it’s long.

 Firstly I want to say, I believe this could have happened to most men or women, not because they are gold diggers, but because this man knows exactly how to play on the a person’s nervous system and to manipulate them.

 Actually most people go through some version of this – not the fraud but giving and lending people (family and friends) large sums of money that they never get back again.

 The only difference with this show and some of our family dynamics is that Tinder Swindler is about romance and fraud and of course the amounts are on a large scale. But truth is – people get into debt for family members and to support family members/ friends who are able to do for themselves.

So how does this happen and how is Tinder Swindler doing this?

1. WE DON'T TALK ABOUT MONEY IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS

Simon relies on the fact that most of us are uncomfortable talking about money in relationships (romantic, family or friendships). And the fact that most of us don’t know how to receive

We have soo many stories about money and relationships, especially women, especially the “good girls.” We’re not taught how to talk about money at school.

 We are not taught how to say no to people who borrow money from us and we definitely not taught how to receive without feeling like we owe another person.

So when someone we love and who has gifted us tons of experiences and love asks for money, most of us feel uncomfortable saying “No” and letting it go.

We say no and we explain and all that drama or we feel bad and guilty. It feels selfish because this person has given to us and saying no after all they have done makes us look like tada…gold diggers.

 So our inner good girl hijacks us and it gets awkward.

 Also the fear that we will be seen as selfish or greedy is very deep. If I could tell you the amount of clients that over give to their families, even when they have nothing to give, because don’t wanna be seen as selfish, I would be writing for hours.

We have been taught that being seen as selfish or greedy is a crime. So of course these women gave.

And because most people never talk about money, even with their friends, they can’t pick up a phone and call a friend and tell them what’s happening.

And because there’s a shaming about women who give men money or even take money from very wealthy men, it’s even lonelier and crazier.

So of course these women could be swindled cos they had no support system, no one they could openly talk to about money on a daily basis.

And because money is so secretive and getting into debt is soo shameful, we keep this stuff secret, which is why Simon was able to get away with this for soo long.

2. THE NEED TO PROVE OURSELVES

To prove loyalty, your love, intelligence etc.

 We live in a society that has taught us that we are not enough. So most of us (myself included) often find ourselves proving ourselves and we overdo.

We over work, we over give to jobs, clients, family and friends that don’t appreciate us. And yes we do this in relationships too.

 We do the most.

 If people pay us good money, we slave ourselves to the bone to show them they haven’t wasted that money and that it’s money well spent and then they rate us and review us so we know if we measure up or don’t.

 And companies, clients and customers capitalize on this, this is why so many people have zero work life balance and give every hour to corporates, because…performance reviews and you need to prove yourself.

So in a relationship – what better way is there to show a man who has basically given you an out of this world lifestyle and love, that you’re “Not like other women? You’re not a gold digger?”

A man who has flown to a city just to have coffee with you because you’re having a bad day?

 Money and being there for him through the bad ish.

 How else can you prove your loyalty? By being there through the hard times and staying with him.

 And here’s the absolute f***ery, this man gave big in a short space of time so he understood this phenomena.

 These women’s receiving set points were shattered, one talks about butterflies and nerves when all this was happening at this scale, that is a sign of a nervous system that’s being unregulated and messed with.

 The minute their nervous systems became unregulated, that’s when their subpersonalities started hijacking them. This is why one could borrow up to US$250,000 in less than a month, because if your good girl is in control, all she wants to do is please and get validation and that’s what drives her.

 When your inner child is in control, she doesn’t understand debt, she just understands that she wants and to feel safe and if debt is what gets her to safety, that’s what she is going to get.

 This is why soo many people find themselves getting into debt to help families and feeling resentful and not understanding why they can’t get out of this cycle.

3. LOVE BOMBING, THE NERVOUS SYSTEM AND COGNITIVE DISSONANCE

This is actually a classic form of control and abuse and Simon uses it very well and I know cos in 2020 someone tried this with me but…I work with trauma and have trauma coaches so I spotted it and was able to walk away very quickly (they weren’t interested in money from me but were trying to mess with my head).

There are some really great articles written on love bombing and they are worth reading because it will help you make sense of this whole Tinder Swindler scenario.

Love bombing is when someone comes into your life and they just shower you with excessive attention, love and gifts.

You don’t have time to think or see the person’s personality but you’re on a hight because you are human and you react to love so your endorphins and dopamine levels go up and you feel ecstatic. And it feels amazing, like a drug. An actual high.

And like all drugs you get addicted or at least dependent and it happens fast cos it’s not just your mind, its also your bio chemicals and body being messed with and being affected (important).

You wanna be around the person, what you don’t realize is that they were doing this to make you dependent on them, because just like a drug addict, you want your daily fix, and just like a drug addict, you will do anything to have this fix. In this case, your fix is a person so you will do anything to make them stay.

The insane thing with love bombing is that it causes cognitive dissonance – so people see the person messing with them but because the reality is at odds with the image the person originally portrayed, they find themselves doubting what they see.

 This is why it was so difficult for the women to reconcile what was happening with the image Simon first portrayed. He totally messed with their minds and he did it well.

 This is how cult leaders operate and get people to take their own lives and it’s how gurus get gorgeous young women into bed.

4. CREATING A SENSE OF URGENCY & UNSAFETY FOR THE NERVOUS SYSTEM

The minute someone creates a situation of urgency, they have started to mess with our nervous systems.

Think about how stressed you get when you think about paying bills at a set date and are waiting for money to clear. Time is now ruling you and you can’t think.

Your anxiety levels rise and you go into fear mode. The bills were always there but adding time and creating urgency and adding consequences of credit scores creates urgency and affects our nervous systems.

How many of us have taken on more debt or loan sharks under these circumstances and then looked back and wondered WTF we were thinking?

Now imagine the consequence of not paying the bill is death of a loved one? What happens to your nervous system?

 Simon made these women fall in love with him quickly – they were love bombed, had their receiving set points messed with, their nervous systems were all over the place where he was concerned and then he topped it up by making them feel unsafe, physically and/or emotionally, at which point their nervous systems were completely unregulated.

 A basic human need is the need to feel safe and to have those we love also remain safe, when we feel unsafe or we feel those we love are in danger, we do everything we can to get to safety and to keep our loved ones safe.

So combine the urgency and safety factor and suddenly people are not able to think and process and you’re just acting.

Click on the video below to see the interview I did on urgency culture:

5. THREATENING TO TAKE AWAY LOVE

Many of us have abandonment issues and these issues make us do wild ish.

 The minute Simon threatened these women with his own death by showing them blood and scars and videos of him in ambulance with his body guard, he basically triggered their abandonment issues, with a silent threat that his love was going to go away forever and their inner child and inner teen subpersonalities also got into the hijacking process.

Phew. I just sat and typed out a whole ass book here. But honestly there is soo much more I want to say about the money trauma in this show, including Simon’s background and the contrast in how he portrays himself, there’s soo much there.  

Trauma is soo layered and at any given moment, we could be dealing with a multitude of trauma responses, which is what makes it complex but soo deeply fascinating to me. One incident, no matter how insignificant it may seem to the outside world, may be layered with soo many underlying trauma responses. 

Money is a real trigger because it really brings up everything.

 I also have soo many thoughts on patriarchy and how we are conditioned to look for Prince Charming but the money stuff is soo much more interesting to me.

 Anyway this is my 2 cents and I am glad I watched this documentary. I hate that this man is walking around free as a bird and giving business advice. WTF!!

What were thoughts on this show? Share in the comments section below.