Reflections from the Sri Lanka 2019 Retreat
I have been reflecting on a conversation we had at the first Sri Lankan retreat in April where we discussed that:
1. Just because people are your people, it doesn’t mean you are their person
And this applies to everything. Including family.
People will often show us if we are truly their person in their actions towards us and in the way they talk to us and treat us.
Not all of us are our people's person so we use money and over give in every way as a way to make them our people.
We know we don’t have their loyalty or their devotion.
They may love us but they don’t like us.
But we are loyal to them and we like them because they are our people so we do the most (financially and otherwise) to make them feel the same way we do and fool ourselves into believing we are their person.
That if we just do xyz and they see how awesome we are they will accept us as their person.
And then we get angry when they keep showing us that we are not their person.
Sometimes we just need to accept that we can love people and they can love us but we are not their person and free ourselves to find people, who feel we are their person.
2. It's possible for people to think they are your people and for you to not to be their person and to know it
We also need to have frank and honest conversations with these people and let them know or else mend our ways so we are better people to those people in our lives.
We set them free to go find their real tribe where they don’t have to do the most to be liked or loved. They can just be and know they are enough
This is not just about romantic relationships; it’s also about friendships and family relationships.
At the retreat this topic came up in relation to family and money.
And that within families there are people who are more liked and respected than others.
There are those whose opinion is more valued and then there are those that are just tolerated for many reasons.
One of which is that they dared to expand and be different from the tribe. So, they are now the outsider.
And sometimes those who are tolerated and silently judged are subconsciously buying their way into the inner circle and making themselves the tribe's person.
And using money to do this. And sometimes it works and other times it backfires cos the only way to be in the tribe is with money.
In this case - your money is what's accepted. Not you.
3. This is not a post about giving and not getting any gifts in return.
When we give and truly give, then we give with no expectations.
So, if we give money and someone refuses to give us money back the day we need it, that’s okay cos giving is not about that.
This is not about the money; it is about how we are treated by those we give.
And also, why we give when we really have no desire to give.
If the gifting is not appreciated or unwanted or we are resented for giving or even ridiculed or feel restful about the giving and/or we feel utterly alone after we give and feel like our only role is to give...then we may need to examine our relationships.
If we feel like even after our giving, we feel that the only way to get love and acceptance is to give and we have no one in our corner emotionally or even as a shoulder to cry on then we need to start examining our reasons for giving.
Cos we may not have a real tribe.
And giving may actually be causing bitterness and resentment and is hardening us.
And in that case maybe we need to start taking all these gifts and start turning them inward and gifting to ourselves.
4. The truth is when we give with the notion that others will give back to us some day and we don't tell these people we are giving to that that's the plan, then we are actually not giving...we are using people as a rainy-day plan for the day we need something.
So as givers we also need to be clear with those, we give why we are giving to them.
So, if the gift has a requirement, they have a say in whether or not they accept it.
