There's Nothing Wrong With You
When I am super honest I tried to do all those things that we were taught we should do. I just failed at them, and there was so much shame that I carried around that.
I have a period in my life where in my 20s, I spent 2 months going to church every other Sunday to find peace and ended up praying to find a spiritual practice that worked for me.
That was the last day I ever tried church because clearly I wasn't connecting. But that was also the start of my healing journey.
Going on this healing journey has been the most amazing experience for me. I have spent days crying. Doing nothing, just crying.
I have cried for my inner child and inner teen for the way they really internalized all that - the belief that there is something wrong with me.
I have grieved for those younger versions of me. In a way, I am still grieving for them.
Grieving that I spent soo much of my life believing that I needed to change to suit my environment, except I clearly didn't know the rules. And when I am honest, I still don't know the rules and it shows.
I have held my inner child and inner teen as I asked her:
"What if it is not me that is wrong, but there is something wrong with a world that won't let us be who we are?"
"Surely there is something wrong with a world that glorifies constant work and busyness over rest and relaxation and travel?"
"There is something wrong with a world where we have to stick out romantic relationships vs enjoying them?"
"What if it's not me, but there is something wrong with being in friendships and romantic relationships where you are seen as too intense for giving and receiving love and doing so fiercely?"
"Surely, there is something wrong with a world where men are scared of love and passion?"
So yeah, I have cried and grieved for thinking that there was something wrong with me and spending soo much of my life thinking I was not good enough because I was me.
If you have ever felt like there was something wrong with you, I hope you know you are enough as you are and hope you heal in all the ways.
